Books for Blended Families
Every year, new blended families are formed – in the millions. The process can be stressful especially if you want to be sure everything goes as smoothly as possible.
Books are certainly a P to guide us through this. Just knowing there are books out there on this topic helps you feel a little less along. It’s a feeling of knowing that there is evidence out there that while blending families could be new to you, there are some actual people out there who have been there, experienced it, and have succeeded (and wrote the book on it, literally!). So, if you’re looking for insight into how blended families work, what to expect, and everything else around the topic, you can stick to this website, or grab a book!
Given how many books are out there, it could be overwhelming picking a book to read. In this article, we have made some selections for you. Read on to see our list of recommended books for blended families.
The following section is a list of books for everyone in the family. Everyone has been carefully considered – even the kids, so no one is left out. So, let’s get started with the kids!
Blended Family Books for Little Ones
- Do You Sing Twinkle? A Story About Remarriage and New Family by Sandra Levins and Bryan Langdo
- The Family Book by Todd Parr
- My Fairy Stepmother, by Marni Prince, Jason Prince, and Susan Tegelaar
- When Otis Courted Mama by Kathi Appelt
- Step One, Step Two, Step Three and Four by Maria Ashworth
- Annie and Snowball and the Wedding Day by Cynthia Rylant
Blended Family Books for Middle Grades
- The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder and Alton Raible
- The Thing About Leftovers by C.C. Payne
- Freaky Fast Frankie Joe by Lutricia Clifton
- We Are All Made of Molecules by Susin Nielsen
- Sarah, Plain, and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan
- A Smidgen of Sky by Dianna Doris Winget
- Ink Is Thicker Than Water, by Amy Spalding
Blended Family Books for Parents
- 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work–Anywhere!: A How-To Guide for Practicing the Empathic Listening, Speaking, and Dialogue Skills to Achieve Relationship Success Kindle Edition by Leal III, Bento C.
- Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Traumatized Children by Daniel A. Hughes
- Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Martin Ph.D., Wednesday
- The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal
- The Smart Stepmom: Practical Steps to Help You Thrive by Ron L. Deal and Laura Petherbridge
- The Smart Stepdad: Steps to Help You Succeed by Ron L. Deal
- The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal
- The Happy Stepmother by Rachelle Katz
- The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family by Ron L Deal and David H. Olson
- POSITIVE DISCIPLINE: THE COMPLETE GUIDE: Help Your Child Develop Self Discipline, Responsibility and Build Communication: From Toddler To Teenager by Susan Garcia
- STEP PARENTING: 50 One-Minute DOs and DON’Ts for Stepdads and Stepmoms by Randall Hicks
- Keys to Successful Stepfathering (Barron’s Parenting Keys) by Pickhardt Ph.D., Carl E. (Author)
Do you have any favourite books for blended families? We’d love to add them to our libraries too!
Blended Families: When you know you need to seek counselling
You’re probably here because you’ve formed or are about to form a new family unit, where at least one other family unit already exists. In other words, when you know you need to seek counselling, you are blending families. This means at least one of the parties is bringing in children from a previous relationship and in order to start a brand new family. The desire is of course for everything to work smoothly from day one, but more often than not, you will encounter some bumps in the road when starting a new blended family. But how do you tell if these are just bumps you need to ride in order to move forward, or if they are real issues that you will require help & support to overcome?
In order to know this, blended families must first understand what are healthy & unhealthy dynamics to be expected in the new family. When the needle starts to swing towards unhealthy, that’s a signal for counselling or support to be considered. Disagreements, arguments and other issues are common in the beginning, but if this has progressed to unhealthy levels, it may be time to seek professional help.
Navigating the world of a blended family can be quite different to being in a traditional family. Often, a significant amount baggage can come along from past relationships and kids. Some families can find that they struggle to blend well. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help to smooth out the creases and make it easier for everyone. Let’s take a closer look at the blended family, some common problems they face, and when they should consider counseling.
What is Blended Family?
A blended family can come in many different forms. It is basically a family that occurs when parents try to combine together with children from one or both of their previous relationships. It often results in a step-parent on one or both sides. Each family has already spent time growing and developing with their respective parents. When they try to blend with a new person, the step parent, or even with other children from the step-parent, there’s bound to be some kinks along the way.
Whether the original parent was ever married before or not, this blended family will cause children, as well as the adults, to go into a new family dynamic that they were not used to before. Whether both or just one partner is bringing kids into this relationship, it is important to give it time for the children to learn and understand the new dynamics they are in.
Keep in mind that these new relationship dynamics can get complicated. If Suzy were an only child with her parents before the divorce, she may not understand how to get along with Tim and Ben when they start living in her home with her mom and new step dad. This is a confusing time already, with Suzy trying to get used to a new parent in the mix, and she also has to adjust to two new step-siblings as well.
Things are tough for Tim and Ben as well. They now have to get used to having a sister for the first time, as well as a new mother figure in their lives. If you as the parent feel confused and overwhelmed by the changes and adjustments, just imagine how much harder this is for the children involved, regardless of how many.
Common Problems That Show Up In Blended Families?
There are many different problems that can arise in a blended family. With some of these families, some work and mutual understanding can help them to handle the problems on their own. For others, help from the outside might be necessary.
Regardless of whether the blended family should consider seeking help for their problems or not, some of the common issues that blended families may face include:
1. Not being on the same page
If you and your partner are not able to get together and agree on important things in the family, it will be harder for the children to get along as well. Right from the beginning, sit together and discuss how you will handle important decisions such as how to parent the children and what your discipline strategies are. Some blended families do better by allowing only the biological parent to be involved in discipline for their child.
2. Trying to be the same as before
It goes without saying that going back to the way you were before is not going to be a reality at this point. Both you and your partner are now responsible for a family that is larger and much different than it was in the past. You can’t continue things as before because you have new people in the mix and the process is different. So sit down with your partner to see how you should handle how the new household should be run, from chores to errands to everything else, that will come up on a day to day basis.
3. Forgetting the ex
If there are children in the relationship, then there is an ex somewhere in the picture. And forgetting to factor this person in is probably not a wise move. Unless the ex is completely cut off from the children and hasn’t been seen in years, they will have some part to play in your family too. So what’s the healthiest way of going about this? Your ex will always be important to your children, even if you have re-married now. So it’s probably best to conduct the ex relationship in the most civil and friendly way that you can muster up in order to help the kids.
4. Not letting your partner parent your children
It can be hard to allow someone else to parent your biological children. As it would be difficult for your partner to accept you parenting or disciplining their children. However, there should be some agreement as to what could be acceptable for both parties. If Thomas the step-father is beginning to find that his step-son Max tends to be very messy, he should be allowed to raise this to his wife Sarah (Max’s biological mom). Sarah may want to try to be objective about this. The couple might want to discuss what Thomas should do in a situation like this. Would Sarah prefer Thomas to approach Max directly to address his messiness? Or would Sarah prefer Thomas to come to her so that she can address issues with her biological son herself? See if you can agree to be fair and kind in these situations and to not get offended as long as your partner keeps the conversation healthy & constructive.
5. Sibling Rivalry
The children from both sides of the relationship are not going to always get along. Even children from the same parents sometimes don’t get along. So be prepared, that with the added complexities of a blended family, that this can multiply.
6. Not giving your children enough attention
You have more children now. This means that you and your partner need to take extra time to really give each one some individual attention. Find even a little time each week to spend with each child in a positive way. Even 10 mins per kid per day will do at the start. This helps them to feel like they are still important in the family, even with all of the changes.
7. Forgetting that it takes work
No matter what fairy tales you have in your head, it is going to take work to make a blended family come together. There is a learning curve and you do not need to master it right away. But do realise that this is something new for everyone and it may not be easy at the start.
Do I Need a Counsellor?
Sometimes blended families can put in a lot of work to try and get everyone on the same page. And to see success with their new dynamic and yet you find something is still not working. There are too many arguments, not everyone feels like they are truly a family. Or you worry that you may need to break up with your partner just to get some normalcy back to your lives.
Consider seeking out the help of a counsellor for your blended family. Did you know that there are more than one type of counselling available to help you through this? Perhaps you and your partner just need some assistance with learning how to navigate your new parenting roles? Or perhaps you feel that a few of the children are struggling with this new dynamic and need help adjusting? Would the whole family benefit with coming in and learning about this new family and how to work together?
All blended families can benefit from working with a counsellor. However, there are a few red flags that show that counselling may be more urgently required. These include:
- When the yelling and screaming is almost constant.
- When a child tries to run away from home.
- If physical violence, either from a parent or a child, as begun.
- When a child has begun to exhibit self-harm.
- When the parents are at the brink of splitting up to stop the insanity.
If any of these have occurred, and especially if several have already happened. It is time to get the blended family into counseling sessions to deal with the problems.
How to Make a Successful Blended Family
No matter how hard you try, be prepared for some hiccups along the way. Bringing together two different families and trying to make it work is no small feat. It is natural for the kids from each side to experience some pullback at the idea that some of their traditions and routines will now be different.
The good news is that there are things you and your partner can do to make your blended family work. Considering counselling when things seem to get out of control is a great first place to start. But some other things you can do include:
- Be civil: If the members of the new family can be civil to one another, rather than trying to withdraw or be hurtful, then the relationship will go more smoothly. Make it a rule that no matter how angry or upsetting something is. Everyone is expected to be civil to one another.
- All relationships are respectful: This includes everyone. Not only should the children be respectful to you, but you need to be respectful to them. Remember that this is hard on them. They are trying to adjust to changes as well. When you can be open and respectful to each other, the family will work.
- Compassion for everyone: The children that come into a blended family are all at different life stages, meaning they all have different needs. Each one may also be at their own stage of accepting this relationship. Teenagers may adapt to this differently than a toddler for example. Keep an open mind and discuss with your counselor how you can respect and work with these differences.
- Understand that things will change with time: The goal is that after being together for a few years, the family will be able to grow. Members will have time to adjust and when the rules above are followed. They can start to create their own bonds. If handled well, even if that means help from a counselor, the family will blend together well.
Final Thoughts
Too many blended families do not seek the counseling they need. This is often a combination of being in denial about any real problems in the family and the negative stigma that is left behind when it comes to visiting a counselor.
Seeking help from a counselor is not a sign that you are weak or that you did something wrong. It is a recognition that something is not working and you need help. Your blended family is important and if you can recognise that something is off and that the members of the family need help bonding and getting along. Then a counselor may be the best route to make that happen. Seeking help early on, rather than pushing it to the side. And forgetting about it is the best way to give everyone a voice in this new family dynamic.
Raising Step-Kids Alongside the Real Parents: How to Find Your Niche
“Family isn’t defined only by last names or by blood, it’s defined by commitment and by love.” – Dave Willis.
Are you venturing into the challenging role of a step-parent? Do you already find yourself in that role but can’t seem to be getting it right? Step-parenting comes with several challenges of its own, but with a little effort and commitment, it can be really rewarding. The quote above perfectly captures what it means to truly be “family” and as long as you’re committed to your spouse, you’re going to be willing to make it work.
That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy though. Step-parenting comes with a unique share of responsibilities that can sometimes seem like a blur and leave you confused about whether you’re doing the right thing. The following quote sums up just how tricky step-parenting can be.
“A stepparent doesn’t just marry a spouse: they marry their spouse’s entire situation. They have to find a balance between supporting and defending without overstepping visible and invisible boundaries.” – Anonymous.
Although finding the right balance isn’t easy, it’s possible for you to raise step-kids alongside the biological parents comfortably. You don’t have to lose sleep over the question, “Can I ever be respected as a step-parent?” Our guide can show you how to be a good step-parent without over-stepping your boundaries.
Don’t try to play the role of their biological parent
“Step parents are not around to replace a biological parent, rather, to augment a child’s life experience.” – Azriel Johnson.
Do remind yourself of the word BONUS. Often step-parents are referred to as bonus-parents for a reason. Your step-kid already has two biological parents. You don’t have to replace any one of them. While they may be your spouse’s ex, they’re still your step-kid’s parent and that’s a fact that will remain and cannot be denied.
Understand how the kids must feel
To maintain a good relationship with your step-kids, a good first step would be to try an empathise with them. Expect the natural desire for kids to hope that their biological parents will get back together. At the beginning, don’t be too surprised if they even consider you to be an “intruder” to their family dynamics and even blame you for the split. This can naturally make them hesitant to develop any association with you as they may view it as being disloyal to their biological parent. See if you can understand they’re perspective and try to work with vs. against on the path towards trust and affection.
Grow into your role
It’s alright if you don’t hit it off with your step-kids the very first time you blend the family. Building a strong relationship takes time, so grow into your new role. Instead of thinking you’ll hit it off with a quick one on one bonding session. Arrange to spend time together as a group. Kids are likely to feel a lot more relaxed when they have their parents around, so rely on that to spend some time with them. Plan activities together, observe what your step-kid enjoys doing, their interests/hobbies, and ease into the relationship before spending any one-on-one time with them. How to be a good step-parent isn’t something that you intrinsically know, but it’s something that you can develop over time.
Don’t insist on what they should call you
If they want to call you by name, let them. If they want to refer to you with a term of endearment, be happy about it. This will allow them to feel in charge and give them some amount of power, especially when they’re feeling helpless to change the situation between their parents.
“When we were dating, my 7 year old daughter often referred to my then-boyfriend as “Uncle” which is a word we use in Asia as a term of respect to older people. It was only YEARS later, when we were married for over a year, than she suddenly said that she wanted to start calling him “Papa”. Even then, she slipped back and forth for awhile, and now, it flows out so easily. No one pushed her towards it. She decided on her own.” – Sandra, a bio-mom to 7 year old girl.
Don’t get involved in the co-parenting drama
Parenting decisions will still be made by their biological parents, so see if you can remain respectful of that and as hard as it may seem, stay out of such discussions unless you’re explicitly asked for your opinion. If you must share your opinion, share it with your spouse first, in a careful way vs. imposing your ideas. If there’s conflict between your spouse and the ex, let them sort it out on their own. Your spouse will surely approach you if she feels she needs your help in the matter.
Don’t trash talk the biological parent
Feeling some anger or resentment towards your spouse or even their ex? That can be normal. But please do hold back from openly sharing your thoughts when your step-kids are around. The kids may even get angry themselves and share their thoughts with you. Even then, try to resist adding fuel to the fire. Kids can be fiercely protective of their parents and this is not a line you want to cross if your long-term goal is harmony in your newly blended family.
Don’t counter the wishes of the biological parent
You may want to win some brownie points with your step-kids or appear cool by allowing them to do things that their biological parent doesn’t, but think twice before doing so. It can only lead to conflict. Always be supportive of your spouse’s parenting decisions, but feel free to make gentle suggestions and ask if they’re open to listening.
Be there for them, wholeheartedly
While you can’t take the place of their biological parents, you can be there for them when they need a parent figure or even just a friend they can depend on. Show up to events that are important for them, whether it’s a poetry recital, a school play, or a football match. Cheer them on and let them know that you’re on their team and you value what’s important to them and are there to be part of their growth.
Encourage one on one time with their bio-parents
Several step-parents feel like if step-kids spend one on one time with their biological parents, it may negatively affect the equation with them. This is far from the truth. When you encourage one-on-one time-spending with their biological parents, you establish that it isn’t a competition and that you care about their overall wellbeing. This will also win you the respect of their biological parents and lay the foundation for healthy family bonding.
Balance out the good cop/bad cop act
You may not get involved in co-parenting or take on the main role of disciplinarian for your step-kid, but there are times when you’ll have to step in. You do, after all, want the best for them and correcting them at times is in their best interest. This is a balancing act and must be treated with care. You need to appear approachable enough for them to trust you, while still being firm. The main message should be that they can’t walk all over you just because you’re the step-parent in the equation.
But what if the real mom/dad interferes in my step-parenting? That’s a reasonable question to ask. The best way to find the right balance is talking to your spouse as well as their ex about expectations from the step-parenting equation. While you may not be thrilled about this, it’s important to do this so that your spouse’s ex doesn’t make things difficult for you.
Kids are more likely to take you seriously when they feel like you’re acting on behalf of their parents. So, a good way to reinforce this is – if the real parents tell the kids that you’re in charge when they’re not around and therefore, they ought to listen to you.
Maintain open communication with your spouse
In all of this, don’t forget that your relationship with your spouse is extremely important in determining how everyone gets along. Openly communicate your expectations of each other with regard to your step-kids and work on finding solutions to problems faced together. Always remember that it’s not you versus your step-kid when it comes to your spouse’s attention. It’s up to both of you to communicate openly and make it work.
Real Step-Parents Speak: What People Won’t Tell You About Step-Parenting
You may receive a lot of advice on how to be a good step-parent, but here’s what some real-life step-parents have to say about what people don’t always tell you.
“Falling in love with someone doesn’t automatically guarantee you’ll love his or her kids and it’s not a prerequisite for a happy, successful stepfamily. As a step-parent, strive to act in loving ways by practicing kindness and respect. And if love develops? Consider it a bonus!” – Brenda Ockun.
“No one tell you that being a step-parent will put your self-esteem to the ultimate test.” – Jenna Korf.
“Do I try and be the cool parent and handle it on my own and keep what they say to me in confidence, knowing that their dad or mom should know about it? If I tell the kids’ dad or mom, then they will feel as though I betrayed them and their trust.” – Kerri Mingoia.
“One of the biggest mistakes step-couples make is putting the needs of their relationship last. A stepfamily can’t survive without a strong, connected couple steering the ship. Prioritizing your relationship isn’t done at the expense of the kids; it’s done for them.” – Brenda Ockun.
“No one tells you that all your stepchildren really need is a friend, not a replacement parent. More importantly, an adult they can trust but who doesn’t project needs onto them.” – Bleakney Ray
Conclusion
Just remember, as challenging as it is, it’s possible for you to raise step-kids alongside real parents in a healthy, wholesome way. Here’s a little quote that will hopefully bring a smile to your face:
“The only steps in this house are the stair steps and the only half in this house is the half & half creamer.” – Al Hodson.
We hope you’re able to embrace your new family dynamics just like this using the tips we’ve laid out for you above.
Becoming a Step-parent: What It Takes To Build a Successful Step Family
Becoming a step-parent is a process that can be considered to be both rewarding and challenging. Luckily, you fell in love with the right person, but you then discover that he or she has children. You may now be confused wondering how to approach the situation. Finding yourself in this scenario can be overwhelming, especially if you have never been blessed with children of your own.
A blended family has many challenges. Being a step-parent (or parent, for that matter) can be demanding and requires time and patience. Despite the fairy tales about how wicked and evil step-parents are, like the stepmother from Cinderella, many strategies can be used to create a conducive environment for both the parents and the children. Dealing with the emotions combined with good communication is one of the factors that can create a successful blended family.
First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that since both of you have decided to spend your life together, this mean that you will inevitably enter into the new role of being a step-parent. While you and your partner may approach the reunion with great joy, this may or may not be the case with your spouse’s kids. There is a likelihood that they may feel uncertain of the new changes in their life. The children may need time to learn to cope with the new parent who is not their biological father or mother. Additionally, they may need time to learn to live with new step-siblings.
Ways of strengthening a blended family
Creating harmony in a blended family is not an easy task. It is a journey that parents and children need to take some time for before the stepfamily can establish itself fully. The emphasis here is truly on the word: JOURNEY. There may or may not be an end destination. It’s a path all of you will walk together, and there will be laughter & joy along the way, but also struggles & challenges as well. As with many journeys that start off with parties not yet thoroughly familiar with each other, things may prove a little more challenging in the beginning but with time (and effort, as well as the right strategies, mindset & skills) things get can better. Below are some steps that parents can take to help boost togetherness & harmony in a blended family:
Nurture your relationship – Maintaining a good relationship between yourself and your new spouse in a re-marriage is a key factor in building a healthy blended family. Most couples tend to have a couple childless years. At the beginning where they have the luxury to truly focus on each other and build a strong foundation. A blended family with children poses some challenges to that. Regardless of that, this foundation is still key to the family. And it would benefit all parties well if the couple do also focus attention on their own relationship alongside that with the children. How your kids perceive the happiness and stability of your romantic relationship with your spouse can truly impact their ability to cope with this change.
Solve problems together – Conflicts will always be part of the family life, but solving them appropriately brings unity in the family. Conflicts may arise between the parents, between the parents and the children, or between the children. Although it’s sometimes easy to pretend nothing happened, addressing these conflicts. And trying to look out for solutions may be rather confronting, but ends up better for the long run. For example, when listening, also ask questions without blaming and try to find out the root cause of the problem. Involve the conflicting parties when arriving at solutions.
For example, when step-children refuse to take instructions or guidelines from a step-parent, instead of “laying down the law”, ask the child what he thinks would be fair. Challenge them kindly if their proposed solution is not one you can agree to until you come to a place where all parties can agree.
Maintain the perspective – Of course you want everything to be smooth. But it’s also important accept that this is new for all parties involved. Take time to really get to know and understand each other and try to let go of the unrealistic expectation that everything should fall into place. Fantastic if it does, but if it doesn’t right way – relax – it’s all a matter of time. Research has shown that it can take anything from 2-7 years before blended families fully unite. So give yourself a break if you’re starting to feel the uphill battle.
Be a team – Seems pretty obvious, but as much as you can, try to be ONE team with your partner. Concretely, this may mean letting go of control over the little things. Not everything has to be done the way you know it. The less you disagree on, the more united you will come across as a team. If you can get your spouse on board, schedule a special time of the week, perhaps every Tuesday night for 30-60 mins after dinner, to talk about the kids together.
Stay connected – Make it a point to touch base with the kids everyday, showing them that you’re interested in their well-being, feelings & opinions. If you can’t help them with solutions, at least be a listening ear, whether they are sharing something joyful or sharing a pain. Ask them questions about theirs schooling, friends and activities. You might be met with resistance, but release expectations when asking these questions. Simply do so to stimulate connection and release expectation of elaborate answers, especially at the start.
Share with others – Know any other step-parents in your friends circle? If not, ask your friends if they know any. With today’s divorce & re-marriage statistics, someone is bound to know another step-parent or step-parent-to be. Don’t hesitate to call them up for a coffee. You’d be surprised how desperate they could be to talk to another step-parent too. Sometimes, just getting to understand more about their experiences. And can help you learn ways to handle some of the challenges that you’re encountering yourself. And if not, your simply sharing with them can already help you feel a little less alone.
Challenges that blended families face
A stepfamily does not bond overnight. It can take anything from 2-7 years for the parties to adjust to the changes. However, those who are proactive enough (like you, since you are reading this!) can address the issues and make adjustments quite smoothly. So when entering into your new role as a step-parent. Here are a few challenges you may want to keep in mind:
Parental inexperience – If you’re completely new to parenting, becoming a step-parent all of a sudden can be even more challenging. So remember to cut yourself some slack if things aren’t smooth in the beginning.
Mixed feelings concerning the step-parent – This is a common issue for the children, they get confused on how to relate with the new parent. In some cases, the kids can even tend to dislike the new parent. At the start, without even getting to know them. The reality is that they themselves are struggling to sort out their feelings. The kids may not want to open up to you yet, at the start. So encouraging this has to be done delicately. At this stage, it’s probably best to let them know that you’re approachable and it’s OK to have mixed feelings about you. Why not even acknowledge their feelings, even if negative, and tell them you understand this?
Sibling rivalry – While competition between siblings is common in all families, the potential for conflict between step-siblings might be even higher. Step-parenting will involve not just navigating dynamics between you and your step-children, but also navigating the relationship between all step-siblings. See our article on step-sibling rivalry for more information on this.
Changes in family traditions – When two families come together, you will have two different ways to do everything. From Sunday dinners to favourite family games, all the way to how Christmas is celebrated. Some toes will be stepped on for sure, but in order to really move forward, perhaps consider following some traditions of your spouse’s family & kids, then also keeping some of yours, and having fun creating new ones. Do this as a group, with all involved, so that the kids feel invested in the changes too.
Everyone needs attention – As imperfect humans, it would be impossible for us to give exactly equal attention to each and every child. Especially if there are 2 or 3 coming from each spouse! It may be a good idea to discuss with your spouse. And distribute kid duties such as caretaking, driving them to sports. Or other classes so that each parents can get some face-time with each child. Mix things up a little and have your spouse. Sometimes do duties or spend time with your kid or vice versa. But don’t forget to make sure you also get face-time with your own kids.
Step-parenting unfortunately doesn’t come with a manual (although we’re trying to put something together to help you on this site!). You may find that the children have expectations that you may not be able to fully satisfy. Maintaining a healthy step-family requires a lot of patience and dedication. Keep the communication open and bear in mind that step-parenting may need a little extra effort. With time you will have a perfectly imperfect and yet harmonious step-family!
“Having a close and caring family is a beautiful dream, but a dream without a plan isn’t worth a nickel. However, a dream with a workable plan may be worth a million bucks.” – Dr. Rich Melheim, ‘Holding Your Family Together’.
The above quote perfectly sums up just how much effort has to be put into running a successful and happy household and this couldn’t be truer than in situations where there is financial planning required in a blended family.
Making financial decisions is a very important aspect of life and this becomes even trickier when you enter a marriage and need to undertake financial planning with your spouse. As if that wasn’t tricky enough as it is, financial planning in blended families is even more so. This is where partners enter into a marriage and there are kids and step-kids involved from previous relationships.
If you’re entering into a blended family situation or already find yourself in one, you may be asking yourself several questions. “What should step-parents and bio-parents pay for?” may be a question you’ve asked yourself over and over again. “Should I pay for my step-children?” is a question that may be on your mind. If you’re entering a blended family situation with kids of your own, you may wonder, “Should my partner pay for things my kids need if they’re not his own children?”
These questions aren’t easy to navigate, but it’s important for you to have clarity on financial matters before committing to such a situation because it can be the cause of trouble later on if not dealt with early in the relationship.
Partners may go into a step-parenting situation with the best of intentions to do justice to the kids, but without a clear plan, things can get complicated. We’ve got some helpful ways that you can navigate finances in a blended family to ensure that you, your partner, and the kids are treated fairly. Read on to find out.
Make sure there’s financial transparency between you and your partner
The first thing you need to do if you’re wondering how to split finances if you have step-children or are in a blended family is to start the conversation about it with your partner. Avoiding this topic is simply not a good idea.
Such a discussion isn’t merely to get an idea of how much each party earns so that you can carefully plan monthly expenses together and set aside an a plan for your future too. The discussion should also for a little deeper than that. You This is really a question of building relational trust with your partner and openly communicating your expectations in the relationship.
When kids and step-kids are involved and there are ex-spouses to consider, it becomes important that you understand what expenses your partner may have in terms of his alimony payments, child support, and other similar expenses. It would probably also be a good idea to discuss your financial philosophies and see if both your values are aligned as far as financial matters and the kids are concerned.
Openly discuss the question of what each party should be paying for as step-parent and/or bio-parent so both of you are on the same page.
Seek out the help of an expert or family lawyer
Once you’ve established relational trust with your partner and there’s financial transparency between you both, you’ll be able to decide whether you both have shared financial goals or not. Despite the best intentions that you may have for each other and the family, it’s a good idea to seek out the advice of a professional as well. While a family counselor or therapist can help with other complexities that may arise when you’re a part of a blended family, a family lawyer can make things clearer for you legally.
You can jointly create a Togetherness Agreement (which may or may not be legally binding based on the decision of partners involved). Such agreements clearly state the assets, debts, dreams, and obligations of both partners involved and outline the roles and responsibilities of each partner when it comes to the financial well-being of their family.
Stay on top of all your documentation
Documentation is key in order to help you monitor the dollars and have access to financial transparency. Divorce and remarriage involve a lot of paperwork, so make sure you know everything you can about your partner’s child support, alimony, and other legal obligations. This will ease your process to achieving and maintaining financial transparency in a relationship, especially more so if that relationship is in a blended family.
Create accounts
The task of creating accounts is a decision that is up to the partners involved. You could continue to maintain individual bank accounts and contribute towards household expenses based on the proportion of income brought in by each partner. You could even create a joint account and pay for expenses from that. The decision is up to you but whatever it is, both partners need to agree – and if needed, come to a middle ground on what to agree on. This would also be a good time to discuss contingency plans together. Bring up tough questions like: Who pays for the step-kids if one partner suffers a sudden job loss? Discussing situations like this can help you stay prepared and make things easier if such an event does arise. You may not get answers to all these questions all in one conversation – but it opens up the avenue to process & come up with a plan for it over time.
Treat children fairly
How to decide on financial planning if you have step-children? If you enter a family situation with kids of your own and become a step-parent, you may feel like you want to carve out a larger chunk of the finances for your own kids. This may not feel fair to the other kids and it’s not likely to result in a happy or successful blended family situation. If you do feel conflicted about the family situation, it’s a good idea to dig deeper into why this is the case. More often than not, the root cause isn’t the kids at all. It’s more to do with control, self-image, power, seeking validation, and other complex feelings. Getting to the root cause can help you overcome such feelings and realize that the kids aren’t the enemy here.
If all other things fail, before making any financial decision relating to your step-kids, ask yourself if you would be pleased with the outcome if your biological kids were at the receiving end of it. If you wouldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to put your step-kids on the receiving end either. Treating them fairly is necessary if you want to succeed in such family dynamics.
Don’t put off estate planning or a discussion of inheritance
In keeping with the above point, make sure you discuss issues concerning inheritance and estate planning early on in your relationship. This avoids any fights in the future among the kids and step-kids and clearly outlines what will be due to whom when the right time comes.
What the experts and the experienced have to say
“It’s a transition in life for these families…We ask them to really look at the big picture and lay out everything on the table that they can, and to talk through it, trying to identify immediate and specific needs for their kids.” – Jeremy Simpson, Thrivent Financial professional, Alabama
“The biggest challenge is when blended families try to figure it out as they go and they don’t have those financial conversations in advance…They just decide to wing it because they’re in love, but then they later find out that their values clashes are so huge that they are very difficult to overcome.” – Deborah Price, Founder & CEO, The Money Coaching Institute, Petaluma, California
“Ask: what are your financial obligations to your ex? Is there child support? Is there alimony? Are you responsible for paying for housing or their utility bills? Having that conversation, asking those questions immediately. How hard is that?” – Laurie Marchel, co-author of ‘The Stepmoms’ Club: How to be a Stepmom Without Losing Your Money, Your Mind and Your Marriage.’
“There always seems to be a tug-of-war occurring when it comes to estate planning for a blended family, with the want to provide for the financial security of a surviving spouse while at the same time securing an inheritance for children of a previous marriage.” – Gregory Cayne, tax attorney & partner at Grant, Herrmann, Schwartz & Klinger LLP, Midtown Manhattan.
“Couples often say to one another, I’ll take care of your kids and you take care of mine, and they have the best of intentions…But the complexities of being a blended family, the multiple households that are involved and multiple caregivers, adults that are involved and the multiple generations that are involved make it a challenging process.” – Ron Deal, co-author of ‘The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning’, marriage and family therapist.
Conclusion
Like several other matters in a relationship that require effort, financial planning is one of them and the task becomes even more difficult when the needs of a blended family have to be taken into consideration. The good news though, is that it’s not impossible. You just have to be committed enough to want it and put in the effort to achieve it.
In the words of John L. Beckley, “Most people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.”