“Family isn’t defined only by last names or by blood, it’s defined by commitment and by love.” – Dave Willis.
Are you venturing into the challenging role of a step-parent? Do you already find yourself in that role but can’t seem to be getting it right? Step-parenting comes with several challenges of its own, but with a little effort and commitment, it can be really rewarding. The quote above perfectly captures what it means to truly be “family” and as long as you’re committed to your spouse, you’re going to be willing to make it work.
That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy though. Step-parenting comes with a unique share of responsibilities that can sometimes seem like a blur and leave you confused about whether you’re doing the right thing. The following quote sums up just how tricky step-parenting can be.
“A stepparent doesn’t just marry a spouse: they marry their spouse’s entire situation. They have to find a balance between supporting and defending without overstepping visible and invisible boundaries.” – Anonymous.
Although finding the right balance isn’t easy, it’s possible for you to raise step-kids alongside the biological parents comfortably. You don’t have to lose sleep over the question, “Can I ever be respected as a step-parent?” Our guide can show you how to be a good step-parent without over-stepping your boundaries.
Don’t try to play the role of their biological parent
“Step parents are not around to replace a biological parent, rather, to augment a child’s life experience.” – Azriel Johnson.
Do remind yourself of the word BONUS. Often step-parents are referred to as bonus-parents for a reason. Your step-kid already has two biological parents. You don’t have to replace any one of them. While they may be your spouse’s ex, they’re still your step-kid’s parent and that’s a fact that will remain and cannot be denied.
Understand how the kids must feel
To maintain a good relationship with your step-kids, a good first step would be to try an empathise with them. Expect the natural desire for kids to hope that their biological parents will get back together. At the beginning, don’t be too surprised if they even consider you to be an “intruder” to their family dynamics and even blame you for the split. This can naturally make them hesitant to develop any association with you as they may view it as being disloyal to their biological parent. See if you can understand they’re perspective and try to work with vs. against on the path towards trust and affection.
Grow into your role
It’s alright if you don’t hit it off with your step-kids the very first time you blend the family. Building a strong relationship takes time, so grow into your new role. Instead of thinking you’ll hit it off with a quick one on one bonding session. Arrange to spend time together as a group. Kids are likely to feel a lot more relaxed when they have their parents around, so rely on that to spend some time with them. Plan activities together, observe what your step-kid enjoys doing, their interests/hobbies, and ease into the relationship before spending any one-on-one time with them. How to be a good step-parent isn’t something that you intrinsically know, but it’s something that you can develop over time.
Don’t insist on what they should call you
If they want to call you by name, let them. If they want to refer to you with a term of endearment, be happy about it. This will allow them to feel in charge and give them some amount of power, especially when they’re feeling helpless to change the situation between their parents.
“When we were dating, my 7 year old daughter often referred to my then-boyfriend as “Uncle” which is a word we use in Asia as a term of respect to older people. It was only YEARS later, when we were married for over a year, than she suddenly said that she wanted to start calling him “Papa”. Even then, she slipped back and forth for awhile, and now, it flows out so easily. No one pushed her towards it. She decided on her own.” – Sandra, a bio-mom to 7 year old girl.
Don’t get involved in the co-parenting drama
Parenting decisions will still be made by their biological parents, so see if you can remain respectful of that and as hard as it may seem, stay out of such discussions unless you’re explicitly asked for your opinion. If you must share your opinion, share it with your spouse first, in a careful way vs. imposing your ideas. If there’s conflict between your spouse and the ex, let them sort it out on their own. Your spouse will surely approach you if she feels she needs your help in the matter.
Don’t trash talk the biological parent
Feeling some anger or resentment towards your spouse or even their ex? That can be normal. But please do hold back from openly sharing your thoughts when your step-kids are around. The kids may even get angry themselves and share their thoughts with you. Even then, try to resist adding fuel to the fire. Kids can be fiercely protective of their parents and this is not a line you want to cross if your long-term goal is harmony in your newly blended family.
Don’t counter the wishes of the biological parent
You may want to win some brownie points with your step-kids or appear cool by allowing them to do things that their biological parent doesn’t, but think twice before doing so. It can only lead to conflict. Always be supportive of your spouse’s parenting decisions, but feel free to make gentle suggestions and ask if they’re open to listening.
Be there for them, wholeheartedly
While you can’t take the place of their biological parents, you can be there for them when they need a parent figure or even just a friend they can depend on. Show up to events that are important for them, whether it’s a poetry recital, a school play, or a football match. Cheer them on and let them know that you’re on their team and you value what’s important to them and are there to be part of their growth.
Encourage one on one time with their bio-parents
Several step-parents feel like if step-kids spend one on one time with their biological parents, it may negatively affect the equation with them. This is far from the truth. When you encourage one-on-one time-spending with their biological parents, you establish that it isn’t a competition and that you care about their overall wellbeing. This will also win you the respect of their biological parents and lay the foundation for healthy family bonding.
Balance out the good cop/bad cop act
You may not get involved in co-parenting or take on the main role of disciplinarian for your step-kid, but there are times when you’ll have to step in. You do, after all, want the best for them and correcting them at times is in their best interest. This is a balancing act and must be treated with care. You need to appear approachable enough for them to trust you, while still being firm. The main message should be that they can’t walk all over you just because you’re the step-parent in the equation.
But what if the real mom/dad interferes in my step-parenting? That’s a reasonable question to ask. The best way to find the right balance is talking to your spouse as well as their ex about expectations from the step-parenting equation. While you may not be thrilled about this, it’s important to do this so that your spouse’s ex doesn’t make things difficult for you.
Kids are more likely to take you seriously when they feel like you’re acting on behalf of their parents. So, a good way to reinforce this is – if the real parents tell the kids that you’re in charge when they’re not around and therefore, they ought to listen to you.
Maintain open communication with your spouse
In all of this, don’t forget that your relationship with your spouse is extremely important in determining how everyone gets along. Openly communicate your expectations of each other with regard to your step-kids and work on finding solutions to problems faced together. Always remember that it’s not you versus your step-kid when it comes to your spouse’s attention. It’s up to both of you to communicate openly and make it work.
Real Step-Parents Speak: What People Won’t Tell You About Step-Parenting
You may receive a lot of advice on how to be a good step-parent, but here’s what some real-life step-parents have to say about what people don’t always tell you.
“Falling in love with someone doesn’t automatically guarantee you’ll love his or her kids and it’s not a prerequisite for a happy, successful stepfamily. As a step-parent, strive to act in loving ways by practicing kindness and respect. And if love develops? Consider it a bonus!” – Brenda Ockun.
“No one tell you that being a step-parent will put your self-esteem to the ultimate test.” – Jenna Korf.
“Do I try and be the cool parent and handle it on my own and keep what they say to me in confidence, knowing that their dad or mom should know about it? If I tell the kids’ dad or mom, then they will feel as though I betrayed them and their trust.” – Kerri Mingoia.
“One of the biggest mistakes step-couples make is putting the needs of their relationship last. A stepfamily can’t survive without a strong, connected couple steering the ship. Prioritizing your relationship isn’t done at the expense of the kids; it’s done for them.” – Brenda Ockun.
“No one tells you that all your stepchildren really need is a friend, not a replacement parent. More importantly, an adult they can trust but who doesn’t project needs onto them.” – Bleakney Ray
Conclusion
Just remember, as challenging as it is, it’s possible for you to raise step-kids alongside real parents in a healthy, wholesome way. Here’s a little quote that will hopefully bring a smile to your face:
“The only steps in this house are the stair steps and the only half in this house is the half & half creamer.” – Al Hodson.
We hope you’re able to embrace your new family dynamics just like this using the tips we’ve laid out for you above.
“Having a close and caring family is a beautiful dream, but a dream without a plan isn’t worth a nickel. However, a dream with a workable plan may be worth a million bucks.” – Dr. Rich Melheim, ‘Holding Your Family Together’.
The above quote perfectly sums up just how much effort has to be put into running a successful and happy household and this couldn’t be truer than in situations where there is financial planning required in a blended family.
Making financial decisions is a very important aspect of life and this becomes even trickier when you enter a marriage and need to undertake financial planning with your spouse. As if that wasn’t tricky enough as it is, financial planning in blended families is even more so. This is where partners enter into a marriage and there are kids and step-kids involved from previous relationships.
If you’re entering into a blended family situation or already find yourself in one, you may be asking yourself several questions. “What should step-parents and bio-parents pay for?” may be a question you’ve asked yourself over and over again. “Should I pay for my step-children?” is a question that may be on your mind. If you’re entering a blended family situation with kids of your own, you may wonder, “Should my partner pay for things my kids need if they’re not his own children?”
These questions aren’t easy to navigate, but it’s important for you to have clarity on financial matters before committing to such a situation because it can be the cause of trouble later on if not dealt with early in the relationship.
Partners may go into a step-parenting situation with the best of intentions to do justice to the kids, but without a clear plan, things can get complicated. We’ve got some helpful ways that you can navigate finances in a blended family to ensure that you, your partner, and the kids are treated fairly. Read on to find out.
Make sure there’s financial transparency between you and your partner
The first thing you need to do if you’re wondering how to split finances if you have step-children or are in a blended family is to start the conversation about it with your partner. Avoiding this topic is simply not a good idea.
Such a discussion isn’t merely to get an idea of how much each party earns so that you can carefully plan monthly expenses together and set aside an a plan for your future too. The discussion should also for a little deeper than that. You This is really a question of building relational trust with your partner and openly communicating your expectations in the relationship.
When kids and step-kids are involved and there are ex-spouses to consider, it becomes important that you understand what expenses your partner may have in terms of his alimony payments, child support, and other similar expenses. It would probably also be a good idea to discuss your financial philosophies and see if both your values are aligned as far as financial matters and the kids are concerned.
Openly discuss the question of what each party should be paying for as step-parent and/or bio-parent so both of you are on the same page.
Seek out the help of an expert or family lawyer
Once you’ve established relational trust with your partner and there’s financial transparency between you both, you’ll be able to decide whether you both have shared financial goals or not. Despite the best intentions that you may have for each other and the family, it’s a good idea to seek out the advice of a professional as well. While a family counselor or therapist can help with other complexities that may arise when you’re a part of a blended family, a family lawyer can make things clearer for you legally.
You can jointly create a Togetherness Agreement (which may or may not be legally binding based on the decision of partners involved). Such agreements clearly state the assets, debts, dreams, and obligations of both partners involved and outline the roles and responsibilities of each partner when it comes to the financial well-being of their family.
Stay on top of all your documentation
Documentation is key in order to help you monitor the dollars and have access to financial transparency. Divorce and remarriage involve a lot of paperwork, so make sure you know everything you can about your partner’s child support, alimony, and other legal obligations. This will ease your process to achieving and maintaining financial transparency in a relationship, especially more so if that relationship is in a blended family.
Create accounts
The task of creating accounts is a decision that is up to the partners involved. You could continue to maintain individual bank accounts and contribute towards household expenses based on the proportion of income brought in by each partner. You could even create a joint account and pay for expenses from that. The decision is up to you but whatever it is, both partners need to agree – and if needed, come to a middle ground on what to agree on. This would also be a good time to discuss contingency plans together. Bring up tough questions like: Who pays for the step-kids if one partner suffers a sudden job loss? Discussing situations like this can help you stay prepared and make things easier if such an event does arise. You may not get answers to all these questions all in one conversation – but it opens up the avenue to process & come up with a plan for it over time.
Treat children fairly
How to decide on financial planning if you have step-children? If you enter a family situation with kids of your own and become a step-parent, you may feel like you want to carve out a larger chunk of the finances for your own kids. This may not feel fair to the other kids and it’s not likely to result in a happy or successful blended family situation. If you do feel conflicted about the family situation, it’s a good idea to dig deeper into why this is the case. More often than not, the root cause isn’t the kids at all. It’s more to do with control, self-image, power, seeking validation, and other complex feelings. Getting to the root cause can help you overcome such feelings and realize that the kids aren’t the enemy here.
If all other things fail, before making any financial decision relating to your step-kids, ask yourself if you would be pleased with the outcome if your biological kids were at the receiving end of it. If you wouldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to put your step-kids on the receiving end either. Treating them fairly is necessary if you want to succeed in such family dynamics.
Don’t put off estate planning or a discussion of inheritance
In keeping with the above point, make sure you discuss issues concerning inheritance and estate planning early on in your relationship. This avoids any fights in the future among the kids and step-kids and clearly outlines what will be due to whom when the right time comes.
What the experts and the experienced have to say
“It’s a transition in life for these families…We ask them to really look at the big picture and lay out everything on the table that they can, and to talk through it, trying to identify immediate and specific needs for their kids.” – Jeremy Simpson, Thrivent Financial professional, Alabama
“The biggest challenge is when blended families try to figure it out as they go and they don’t have those financial conversations in advance…They just decide to wing it because they’re in love, but then they later find out that their values clashes are so huge that they are very difficult to overcome.” – Deborah Price, Founder & CEO, The Money Coaching Institute, Petaluma, California
“Ask: what are your financial obligations to your ex? Is there child support? Is there alimony? Are you responsible for paying for housing or their utility bills? Having that conversation, asking those questions immediately. How hard is that?” – Laurie Marchel, co-author of ‘The Stepmoms’ Club: How to be a Stepmom Without Losing Your Money, Your Mind and Your Marriage.’
“There always seems to be a tug-of-war occurring when it comes to estate planning for a blended family, with the want to provide for the financial security of a surviving spouse while at the same time securing an inheritance for children of a previous marriage.” – Gregory Cayne, tax attorney & partner at Grant, Herrmann, Schwartz & Klinger LLP, Midtown Manhattan.
“Couples often say to one another, I’ll take care of your kids and you take care of mine, and they have the best of intentions…But the complexities of being a blended family, the multiple households that are involved and multiple caregivers, adults that are involved and the multiple generations that are involved make it a challenging process.” – Ron Deal, co-author of ‘The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning’, marriage and family therapist.
Conclusion
Like several other matters in a relationship that require effort, financial planning is one of them and the task becomes even more difficult when the needs of a blended family have to be taken into consideration. The good news though, is that it’s not impossible. You just have to be committed enough to want it and put in the effort to achieve it.
In the words of John L. Beckley, “Most people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.”