Living together

As a step-parent, you stand at the crossroads, contemplating the depth of your involvement in your stepchild’s life. Should you be invested in their development, education, healthcare, and other major aspects? How do you strike the right balance between being present and respecting boundaries? Blended families offer a unique set of challenges and opportunities, and finding your own path can sometimes be a little overwhelming. But fear not! In this article, we’ll explore key considerations and provide guidance to help you make informed decisions that work best for you and your stepchild.

Understanding Your Step Parent Role:

First things first, take a moment to reflect on the role you want to play in your stepchild’s life. Are you more comfortable taking on a nurturing role, providing emotional support and guidance? Or do you prefer to be a supportive figure, offering assistance when needed? If there’s anything this article aims to do, it should be to convey the message that there is no right or wrong answer here, as every step-parent’s journey is different. All you have to do is embrace the unique qualities you bring to the table and align them with the needs of your stepchild.

Consider the Family Dynamics:

Blended families are like beautiful kaleidoscopes, with each one having its own set of dynamics. Take time to understand and respect these dynamics. Get to know the family members, their relationships, and the existing roles. This will help you tailor your own involvement in a way that complements the family’s existing structure, promoting harmony and understanding. Let it flow rather than try to follow “rules” someone else might have set up for you.

 

Assessing the Child’s Needs:

Before deciding on your level and depth of involvement, you may also want to consider your stepchild’s needs. Observe their behaviours, emotions, and communication to gain insights into their unique requirements. Some children may thrive with more active involvement, while others may need space to adjust and form bonds at their own pace. By understanding their needs, you can tailor your involvement to provide the right level of support and care.

Open Communication with Your Partner:

Communication is the key to any successful relationship, including the one with your partner—the biological parent of your stepchild. Have honest and open conversations about expectations, boundaries, and the role you envision for yourself. This will ensure that you’re on the same page and can approach step-parenting as a unified team. Deciding how involved you want to be can be as simple as having a conversation (or a few) about it.

Respecting Boundaries and Parental Authority:

Establishing boundaries is vital for the healthy functioning of any family unit. When working together to define what is comfortable and appropriate for everyone involved, remember to respect the boundaries set by the biological parent. Remember, you’re there to support and enhance the child’s life, not to replace the biological parent. You can’t go wrong if you simply do whatever you can to recognize and honour the parental authority while finding ways to contribute positively to your stepchild’s growth.

Building Trust and Connection:

Trust and connection are the pillars of a strong step-parent and stepchild relationship. Instead of wondering how involved you want to be with major decisions in their life, why not take the time to foster a bond with your stepchild? You can do this by engaging in activities they enjoy, show genuine interest in their hobbies and passions, and just by being a supportive presence in their life. Building trust can take time, so it’s important to be patient, don’t expect overnight results and allow the relationship to evolve naturally.

Finding Your Balance:

The beauty of it all is that there is no one answer to this question. As a step-parent, you have the autonomy to determine the level of involvement that feels right for you (as well as for the child and his/her biological parent). Some step-parents choose to be heavily invested in their stepchild’s life, actively participating in major aspects such as education, healthcare, and religious upbringing. Others may opt for a more supportive role, offering guidance and support when needed. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, and it’s okay to adjust your involvement as the family dynamics evolve.

 

Trust Your Instincts:

While guidance is helpful, ultimately, you would probably do well to simply trust your instincts as you navigate step-parenting. You know yourself and your family better than anyone else, so don’t forget to listen to your intuition, and let it guide you in making decisions about your level of involvement. There really is no perfect roadmap, and every step-parenting journey is unique. The best thing to do is to learn to trust yourself to find the right balance for you and your stepchild.

Conclusion:

In the intricate world of step-parenting, deciding how involved and invested you should be in your stepchild’s life is a personal journey. By considering factors such as your desired role, family dynamics, the child’s needs, open communication, and trust, you can navigate this path with confidence. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to be a step-parent. Find the balance that aligns with your values, respects boundaries, and nurtures the bond with your stepchild. Embrace the beautiful opportunity to make a positive impact on their life and cherish the unique connection you share.

The evil stepmother trope is much too common in the world of fiction. Unfortunately, it has shaped the way we perceive the role of being a stepmom in real life too. This, however, is far from being the truth.

Being a stepmom is one of the most selfless roles a woman can take up. She decides to nurture kids that she didn’t give birth to and raises them as her own. This is not an easy task, especially when you’re new to a family and the burden of living up to everyone’s expectations weighs down on your shoulders. The smallest mistakes could make you feel you’re failing or struggling as a stepmom, even if that might very well not be the case. There’s seldom any tangible support for stepmoms, the lack of which may have adverse effects on the familial relationships that she worked so hard to build.

If you’re a stepmom, then you’re the stepmom every single day. There are no breaks. It’s not easy, instead, being a struggling as a stepmom is hard and comes with its fair share of daily struggles that many stepmothers deal with. These are some of the most common struggles associated with being a stepmom:

FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER

The unavoidable truth of being a stepmom is that you are not the ‘real’ mom. You might do everything from cooking to helping with homework, just as a real mom does, but it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t give birth to those children. This is a bitter pill to swallow and it leaves one thinking that they’re a replacement. You constantly feel left out and all of your actions seem to be aimed at making up for being an outsider.

THE ‘WICKED’ STEPMOM STEREOTYPE

Every stepmother has to deal with the negative image that they are usually painted in. You’re expected to work selflessly for the children, like a real mother. But, if you assign some chores to the kid or are disappointed in their academic performance (like a real mother), then you’re the evil stepmom. Any form of complaining regarding the kids’ behavior is off-the-stepmom’s-limits. Walking the very fine line of what ‘mom behavior’ is acceptable and what isn’t, is a stepmom struggle in itself.

RESENTMENT FROM THE KIDS

If the kids are old enough to know their biological mother then there’s the chance that they wouldn’t resent you for taking their mother’s place’. It’s very hard building a relationship with children who have no interest in reciprocating your feelings. It’s even harder when those kids go out of their way to tell you that you can never be their real mother. In the end, all your attempts seem futile and doubts about whether this is worth it start seeping into the conscience.

ADAPTING TO A NEW FAMILY

Settling into a new environment is a challenge in itself. When the new role comes with major responsibilities of its own, the challenge is multiplex and requires you to surpass your own limits. Every family is different and every new stepmom has to try to adapt to the family’s unique pace. Normally, a woman would herself set the environment for her family, but when she’s new to the scene – she is the one who has to settle. Many blended families struggle with settling in with each other and this usually leads to drama and friction in the family dynamic.

EMOTIONAL STRESS AND INSECURITY

Stepmoms have to deal with their own emotions and insecurity in addition to balancing their new family-lives. The experience is a roller-coaster of positive and negative feelings and this might knock askew a stepmom’s own emotional balance. Making sure that everyone in the home is happy while keeping a check on your emotions is a struggle that many stepmothers have to overcome. They also have to bear the insecurity of thinking of themselves as a temporary fix instead of being a permanent member of the family.

OVER COMPENSATION

To make up for the fact that a stepmother is not the biological mother, stepmoms usually end up over compensating for something that isn’t in their control. They feel responsible for their stepchildren but doing more than one is capable of takes a toll on the stepmom’s emotional well-being. Over compensatory behavior might also feel forced and fake to the step kids, and can actually end up causing a rift between the two.

A number of stepmoms realize that they’re giving more than is required but don’t know how to stop this cycle.

Help for stepmoms doesn’t come in a tiny rule book that describes all the roles you have to take up and all the lines that can’t be crossed. It would make the situation so much clearer but every familial situation is different. Realizing that you want to know how to be a better stepmom is the first leap towards actually becoming a better Struggling as a stepmom.

The second leap is to recognize and understand the reasons why you feel like you’re struggling as a Stepmom.

REASONS WHY STEPMOMS STRUGGLE

• Many stepmoms feel pressured into or responsible for taking the place of a biological mother in the stepchild’s life.
• A majority of stepmoms are new to motherhood and are suddenly bombarded with motherly duties.
• The change in environment is a huge contributing factor to a stepmother’s struggles and not being able to settle into this daily life adds to the struggle.
• Feelings of jealousy and resentment from both the stepmoms and children towards each other are common and these emotions keep them from forming a genuine bond.
• Stepmoms are expected to act like a mother and do everything a mother does. They might be treated cordially by their stepchildren, but they’re not treated like mothers at the end of the day.

Here’s how a struggling as a Stepmom can do better:

APPRECIATE YOURSELF

Stepmoms are superheroes and this is no exaggeration.

You have to start looking at yourself in a new light- as someone courageous enough to love and raise kids you didn’t birth. The act itself, of choosing to become a stepmom, is worthy of appreciation and you deserve a pat on the back for it. You have to first humanize yourself- to realize you’re a human before being a stepmom and it’s completely acceptable to make mistakes. When you start seeing your own worth as a stepmom, your step kids will follow suit.

UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU’RE NOT YOUR SPOUSE’S FIRST PRIORITY

This is one of the hardest hurdles to cross for a second wife, who is also a stepmother.

When you’re new to a family, you’ll be the second most important priority after the kids… and that’s okay. You have to understand that this is not a competition and with time you will also be prioritized as an invaluable part of the family. Children always come first but that does not reflect on your worth in any way.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BECOME THEIR REAL MOTHER

Stepmoms feel the constant pressure that no matter how hard they try they can never be enough because they aren’t the real mothers.

Once you realize that your role in your step children’s life is not to replace but to make your own little place in their hearts, it’ll be easy sailing. Their biological mother and you are your own persons, you’re both different, your roles vary and that is the beauty of it.

 

 

TAKE IT EASY AND JUST HAVE FUN

Every stepmom’s journey is unique and there are some good days and some bad. There are also struggles.

The real fun begins when you stop worrying about the nitty gritty of fitting perfectly into this assigned role and just go with the flow. Don’t worry about what your child thinks of you, cherish the little moments, and they’ll feel your sincerity.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Taking the time to sit and bare your feelings in front of your partner and step children goes a long way in building an honest bond.

Kids might be young, but they’re very intuitive, they sense that you’re being honest, and they’ll be honest in return.

MANAGING EXPECTATIONS

There are a number of expectations a stepmother might have of her family members. Expectations from her step children- about how she expects them to do their personal chores and behave around the house. Expectations from her partner of being treated as an equal, with respect, love and loyalty.

Managing these expectations would mean practicing patience with your step children. If they aren’t doing the expected chore or breaking a rule you set, remind yourself that they are only children. For your partner, managing an expectation would translate to appreciating the little things that they do. When you manage your expectations of your family, they too are in turn more mindful of managing their expectations and appreciating you.

Struggling as a Stepmom struggles are real- from entering into a new family to adopting another woman’s kids, it is a never ending wave of responsibilities. It might seem difficult, but all is not lost. When stepmoms start taking it easy and not getting hung up on minor details, the family you acquire becomes more than worth all the work.

It’s not easy when your partner and your child don’t get along, and it can have a real impact on your own relationships. You might feel angry or disappointed in your partner for not being able to get along with your child. You might feel frustrated with your child for rejecting your partner’s attempts to get along.

What to do when your partner and your child can’t get along

Do they not get along, or does your partner just not love your child as much as you do? It is completely natural for you to desire that your partner will love your child in the same way you do. However, we need to consider the fact that this bond may not be possible to achieve.  You have seen them grow, watched them laugh, watched them achieve various milestones, and celebrated each one of them. You’ve read books together, taken trips together, were there on their first day of school. Your partner cannot expect (or be expected to) develop this kind of bond overnight.  You could argue that a stepparent and stepchild’s relationship has a distinct attribute to it; that love is ultimately a decision. They have to choose to love each other.

But they REALLY don’t get along

Your child might still be missing not only their own parent (who is now living separately from you) but also missing all of you being together as a family unit. As long as they’re still processing this, and grieving the loss of this family unit, they will likely display some unwillingness to bond with your new partner. Grief doesn’t just happen when someone passes on—grief happens with any kind of loss.  Let your child grieve this loss before you expect them to fully embrace their new family situation.

Your partner may need support finding ways to connect with your child. If they don’t have children of their own, the relentlessness of parenting will probably take them by surprise. They may need more guidance from you than either of you anticipated; this is ok. It’s better that you take the lead here than leave them feeling unsure of how to proceed.  You should absolutely discuss what their role is as a parental figure, including how you approach matters like discipline.

It’s not like it is on TV

Has the media ingrained false images of what a stepfamily should be like? No doubt about it! The Brady Bunch seems to have stepfamily life all worked out. Jake and Josh, Modern Family, and other shows make it seem like stepfamily life only has beautiful sides and no ugly ones. The truth is, real life looks a little different from what’s on TV. Being a stepfamily can be complicated and it can be messy. So don’t beat yourself up if you’ve been trying to live up to TV standards.  We’re here to tell you it’s OK for your blended family to be imperfect. Hang in there – you got this!

Think about how your partner and your child feel

It can be upsetting for your partner if they feel like they’ve been working hard to develop a relationship and your child keeps rejecting them. Jealousy can arise when they observe the time and love that you give to your child, and the way your child responds to you. They may just now realize that they will probably always come second in your eyes.  These feelings are valid and allowed! Your partner might even not like your children sometimes, and this is ok. It may not be ideal, but it’s not unusual. It might give you less stress to understand that it’s OK to have both positive and negative feelings between stepparents and stepchildren. What’s important is that your partner and children are treating each other with respect.

Accepting your partner and your child may never love each other

And what if even with time and work, love never develops between your child and your partner? Maybe they end up just caring for each other, with mutual respect. What if you let go of all expectations for love and deep-rooted bonds to develop? Aiming for mutual care & respect can lift a weight from everyone’s shoulders and lead to a more harmonious life. And of course, love may still develop in time.

Things you can try (but don’t force anything!)

• Look for natural opportunities to do family activities together.
• When you create opportunities for bonding, do it without expectation. Trying something new that none of you have done before can be a great way for this to happen.
• Throw out some ideas and allow them to land naturally. Forced interactions will only lead to more tension and unwillingness.
• Make sure both parties feel like they’re important to you by spending quality one-on-one time.
• Keep talking to both parties about how they’re feeling, and make sure you step in before resentment or disrespect becomes an issue.

Whether you’re a stepparent growing to love your stepchildren, a child accepting a new parental figure, or a bio-parent welcoming a new partner into their family, your version of a blended family is unique and beautiful. Here are some of our favorite blended family quotes to honor this amazing (sometimes maddening) journey.

Read more: 10 TV Shows About Blended Families

Blended family quotes for every type of blended family…

1. 1. Families don’t have to match. You don’t have to look like someone else to love them. Leigh Anne Tuohy
   2. The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other. Richard Bach
   3. The secret to blending families is… There is no secret. It’s scary and awesome and ragged and perfect and always changing. Love and laugh hard; try again tomorrow. Mir Kamin
   4. Sometimes families are created in different ways but are still in every way a family. Unknown
   5. You’re facing one of the most important challenges of your life. Yet, being a member of a blended family can be an exciting adventure for all concerned. Kathie M. Thompson
   6. We aren’t “step”, we aren’t “half”, we’re just a family. Unknown
   7. Family means putting your arms around each other and being there. Barbara Bush
   8. The blended family isn’t just an ordinary family times two. It’s a special kind of family with special needs. Maxine Marsolin
   9. Children can never have too many positive adult role models in their lives. Unknown
   10. Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart. Work for your kids, not against them. Unknown
   11. There is nothing so rewarding as bringing two families together and making it work. Unknown
   12. Anything is possible when you have the right people to support you. Misty Copeland
   13. Family is not defined by our genes, it is built and maintained through love. Unknown
   14. The last names may not match, but the hearts certainly do. Unknown
   15. Blended families: woven together by choice, strengthened together by love, tested by everything, and each uniquely ours. Unknown
   16. Thank you for blessing me with a great family, not a perfect one, but a great one. Unknown
   17. Blood makes you related; love makes you family. Unknown
   18. We had grown into one another somewhere along the way. We were officially a team. Shannon A. Thompson
   19. The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Richard Bach
   20. Being happy in your family is more important than being perfect. Unknown
   21. All families are different and unique, but they all have one thing in common—love. Unknown
   22. Bringing two families together is never easy. But in the end, it’s more than worth it. Unknown
   23. Blended families are beautiful. Every member has their own color, but it’s only when you bring them together that you can see the rainbow. Unknown
   24. Every family has a story to tell—blended families just have more chapters. Unknown
   25. Family isn’t defined only by last names or by blood; it’s defined by commitment and by love. Dave Willis
   26. Sticking with your family is what makes it a family. Mitch Albom
   27. Being part of a blended family means you’re part of something very wonderful. Unknown
   28. No family is perfect… We argue, we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times. But in the end, your family is your family. The love will always be there. Unknown
   29. It doesn’t matter how big or small your family is; it matters how much love you’re willing to put into it. Unknown
   30. Bright families are just like bright colors: When you blend two, you get something beautiful! Unknown
   31. There will always be steps you can take toward unity in your blended family. You will make—one step at a time! Donna Houpe
   32. Blended families are a beautiful mix of diverse people who each serve an important role in our lives. At times, it can be challenging to appreciate everyone’s unique beauty. Deana Keller La Rosa
   33. Family means hugging and supporting each other. The word “family” brings to mind a group of people who love, care for, support one another. Unknown
   34. We all have different views on how we should live our lives but nothing comes before your loved ones – they’re always by your side as long as you need them. Unknown
   35. You are not blood; you’re family. As long as we respect and support each other, our bond will never be broken. Unknown
   36. When two families combine, they create a new definition of love. Unknown
   37. Becoming a blended family means mixing, mingling, scrambling, and sometimes muddling our way through delicate family issues, complicated relationships, and individual differences, hurts, and fears. But through it all, we are learning to love like a family. Tom Frydenger
   38. The first key to balancing your busy life and creating a peaceful environment for your blended family to thrive in, lies in defining your family values—first as a couple, then as a family. Kellye Laughery
   39. There is no such thing as a ‘broken family.’ Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, or adoption documents. C JoyBell
   40. Family is family, whether it’s the one you start out with, the one you end up with, or the family you gain along the way. Unknown
   41. Families are the compass that guides us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter. Brad Henry
   42. Behind a lot of great kids is a stepparent who stepped up, stepped in, and gave a sh*t. Unknown
   43. DNA doesn’t make a family—love does. Unknown
   44. Any man can make a child, but it takes a special man to help raise a child. Tony Gaskins
   45. Blood doesn’t always make a parent; being a parent comes from the heart. Unknown
   46. Don’t worry if you’re not an instant, happily-ever-after blended family. Expect to endure ‘I give up’ days and rejoice in the ‘I can do this,’ days. It will take work, dedication, an excellent sense of humor, and strong resolve. But hey, since when has any family taken the easy route? Don’t do ‘easy’—do ‘worth it!’ Jessica James
   47. Remember why you chose to come together in the first place—the love that you have for your partner. Your partner’s children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness. Beth Happiness
   48. Live one day at a time (or one moment, if you have to). Blend little by little and celebrate even the smallest breakthrough. Andi Parker-Kimbrough
   49. One of the most important lessons our children have learned from divorces is that some things in life can come to an end, but that’s okay because something new is manifested. In our case, it’s a blended family that has respect, love, trust, authenticity, and a sense of fun. Jennifer Kessler
   50. Being a stepmom means they grew inside of my heart instead of my tummy. Unknown

We hope some of these blended family quotes resonated with you! The adjustment might be hard, especially for the children, but with proactive parents and some work, it’ll all be worth the effort. You’ll soon see that every member of the blended family will become a strong support for each other. And that’s the beauty of being a family.

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